


gift

by chanshine



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fights, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecurity, Internal Conflict, M/M, References to Depression, Strangers to Lovers, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:49:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24895699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chanshine/pseuds/chanshine
Summary: gift [English]/gift/1. a thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present
Relationships: Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 14
Kudos: 36





	gift

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning: references to suicide and depression. be careful yall

—

_the gift of meeting you._

"hi, i'm nakamoto yuta. nice to meet you!" sicheng blinks at the stranger in the practice room, taking in the other's soft brown hair over crescent eyes and a blinding smile. he's so bright. sicheng thinks he might have to look away for a moment but he can't. his eyes are glued to him. who is this man and how dare he be so... shiny?

ten gently pushes past the awestruck sicheng, and pats yuta on the back. "he's the one i saw street dancing last week. surprise surprise, he'll be joining us from today! he'll fit right into this new choreo, don't worry."

sicheng simply watches as yuta absolutely murders the choreography in cold blood. he dances almost effortlessly with sharp, clean, and smooth moves, practically oozing charisma. in the background, taeyong comments on how captivating he is and how good his facial expressions are. sicheng silently agrees.

—

_the gift of knowing you._

"that's a wrap, everyone!" taeyong declares, and everyone is down in an instant. exhausted and sweating and on the floor, sicheng can only crawl towards his water bottle in the side of the room. everyone's too worn out to even make fun of him for that. _sweet, sweet salvation_ , sicheng thinks as chugs. he doesn't know if he wants water or air in his system first, so he drinks until his lungs are screaming for air, then breathes heavily until his throat is screaming for water. 

"hyung, do you think we'll win this time?" jisung, their youngest, their little baby, chokes out after downing an entire half liter of water. taeyong is too tired to even speak, so he nudges ten and plops down on the floor to stare at the ceiling while recovering.

"hmm... i can't say for sure. last year there were a lot of strong contestants, but if we get this choreo down we might have a good chance." 

jisung nods at that. eventually the rest pack up and go, muttering goodbyes. as jisung drags away a half asleep jaemin, it's only taeyong, sicheng and yuta left. taeyong gestures for them to pack up and go, but sicheng finds himself too lazy to even think about it.

"i'll lock up later, don't worry. i want to practice just a bit more." sicheng finds himself saying. technically it isn't a lie, he is gonna go over some steps later, but for most of it he's just gonna rest on the floor. taeyong looks like he's about to say something, probably about how sicheng might end up staying too late and going home alone, but yuta chimes in.

"i wanna stay too! i still mess up on that one part, and i'd feel better if i got it all down today. mind if we practice together?" yuta smiles at him and sicheng absolutely blanks out. well, he can't say no to that, now he has to get up and practice. rest who? exhaustion who? sicheng doesn't know them. and so he nods dumbfoundedly.

"alright." taeyong agrees, albeit a little reluctantly. "don't overwork yourselves." and with that, taeyong's gone. 

"so," yuta starts, looking over, and his smile is a little smaller and softer and sicheng's heart skips a beat. "can you teach me how to do the spin?"

they end up getting dinner together. over steaming bowls of ramen, they talk about everything. yuta talks about himself, about his passions, his insecurities, and his hobbies. even when sicheng is rendered speechless just by the sight of him, he finds that when yuta asks him questions the answers flow as easily as water. yuta breaks down the walls sicheng didn’t even realize he had, but he doesn’t really mind.

sicheng left home with his phone, wallet, extra clothes and a water bottle. he comes home with a new phone contact and enough space in his heart for one nakamoto yuta.

—

_the gift of trusting you._

sicheng sprints towards the performance arts building, muttering curses and stumbling a little as he fumbles with the keys. when he finally gets the door unlocked, he pants and looks around frantically and finds yuta curled up on the practice room floor, tears staining his cheeks. he freezes. when yuta called him, frantic and asking for help, sicheng knew he needed to be there as soon as possible. now that he’s here, though, he doesn’t really know what to do or how to help him. he locks the door behind him and moves to sit next to yuta. he decides he’ll just be there for him, whether yuta decides to talk about it or not.

“yuta,” sicheng starts, but then yuta wordlessly puts his arms out, and what else can sicheng do but hug him? yuta is sobbing in his arms and grips onto his shirt like he’s hanging on for life and sicheng is so, so worried but he doesn’t say another word, doesn’t ask any questions and just waits. he waits for yuta to open up to him, to break down his own walls like he did with sicheng’s. after a few minutes of muffled sniffles, yuta looks up at him with tear filled eyes, messy hair, flushed cheeks and trembling lips and sicheng’s heart just breaks. he holds him a little closer.

“sicheng,” yuta whispers and his voice is hoarse and cracking; he sounds so broken and sicheng’s heart feels the same. he never liked seeing others cry, but he discovers that he hates seeing yuta cry. yuta loosens his grip on sicheng and he lets go of him, waiting for yuta to say something, anything. “im sorry.” is the first thing he says, gesturing towards sicheng’s tear soaked shirt. sicheng shakes his head and smiles reassuringly. he’s not worried about the tears, he’s worried about why they’re here. yuta manages a small smile.

“everything became… too much.” yuta fiddles with his hoodie strings and avoids eye contact. “i don’t know. it felt overwhelming. insecurities, doubt, everything. i don’t know what to do anymore. every time i try to pick myself up, something else breaks me down and right now i just… feel like i don’t want to anymore. like it’s not worth it. i’m just so tired of trying and trying again. it feels like i’m drowning sometimes, and i think about… never mind… i just… i’m sorry.” even without him saying it out loud, sicheng knows what he means. he wants to help. he wants to help yuta try again, and he wants to make it worth it for him. he wants to be there for him.

sicheng wordlessly pulls him closer, whispers of encouragement filling the otherwise silent room. just as he promises to help, he promises to himself to never hurt the broken boy in his arms.

—

_the gift of loving you._

it’s a saturday night. sicheng ends up with yuta in his apartment after they get carried away practicing. it’s far too late and yuta’s place is way too far and sicheng found himself offering yuta to stay the night without even thinking about it, but then yuta brightens up and smiles and nods enthusiastically and why would he take it back? they eat takeout for dinner and when yuta plops on his couch and asks if they could watch a movie, of course sicheng doesn’t have it in him to say no.

he grabs his blanket and a pillow from his bedroom while yuta looks for a movie he likes. he settles on one but sicheng doesn’t even get to know what it is because yuta is suddenly really close and their sides are pressing up against each other. the night was so, so cold yet now he feels so, so warm and he can’t tell if it’s because they’re bundled up in a blanket or because his heart is pounding or because their arms are locked and legs are tangled and they’re leaning on each other. soon, his heart calms down and he focuses on the movie and a comfortable silence befalls them.

“i like you, sicheng." yuta whispers almost breathlessly, words ringing loud and clear in sicheng’s ears despite the hum of the movie playing in the background. his heart skips a beat and he feels his cheeks flush as he glances at him, wide-eyed. the moonlight basking the room in a soft, ethereal glow frames yuta’s face and he’s still paying rapt attention to the screen, despite what he just said. his brain recovers from blanking and a million questions are running through, but when he remembers how yuta smiles, how he works hard for himself and others, how he cares for people and encourages them, he doesn’t pay attention to anything his brain is saying.

sicheng often thinks too much, often reads into things too much, but when yuta spells out his affections for him, he finds he doesn’t need to fall into old habits.

"i like you too." he leans forward and kisses yuta, movie forgotten as yuta kisses back and wraps his arms around him. sicheng’s heart is going to burst out of his chest, he might die from cardiac arrest. everything is way too abrupt, way too sudden but it feels so right. it feels exactly like yuta and while sicheng has to speed up his pace to catch up, he doesn’t really mind. his mind is still reeling as they part for air and yuta giggles softly and shines with happiness before moving in for another kiss, and _wow, sicheng really is going to die._

the crickets outside chirp harmoniously as if celebrating newfound love.

—

_the gift of having you._

“thanks.” yuta says one night, in the confines of sicheng’s bedroom, amidst the silence only broken by light kisses and breathless sighs.

“what for?” sicheng smiles and holds yuta a little tighter.

“for being there for me. for listening and telling me i’m worth it, and helping me try again. for being my safe space and being so patient with me, even when i’m being stubborn and difficult. i’m so happy because i never thought i’d get here but look at me right now. i’m just so proud and my chest is so full of happiness it hurts and i have so much to look forward to. thank you so much, for helping me pick myself up, for holding onto me even when i’ve given up on myself, and for taking care of me. i’m so happy i ended up here with you. i love you so much.” yuta’s words spill and so do his tears and sicheng is quick to wipe them and kiss yuta senseless. he’s so proud of him too, yuta really is the light of his life.

“i love you too.”

—

_the gift of missing you._

“sicheng, are you gonna be here tonight?” yuta says hopefully, even when both of them already know the answer. sicheng shakes his head, and yuta looks crestfallen but he tries not to give in.

“i’m sorry. i promised to go with them.” he really didn’t mean to, but so many projects took up his time. it feels like he’s seeing yuta less and less. he doesn’t really know when it started, but soon his entire day is taken up by responsibilities and he can barely even breathe to express his affections to yuta every morning and night.

“but you never miss our movie nights…” yuta mumbles and all sicheng can do is kiss his forehead and yuta giggles and all is right in this world. yuta, cheeky as he is, pulls sicheng down for more, and they exchange eight too many other kisses, but sicheng doesn’t really mind, not even when he’s five minutes late and his hair is a little messed up and his lips a little swollen.

“next time, okay?” sicheng promises. yuta nods at that, smiling.

that promise is never fulfilled.

—

_the gift of worrying._

"where did you go? it's so late." yuta sounds really, really pissed. honestly, he has the right to be, but sicheng doesn't really care about that right now. "sicheng, can you answer me? why didn't you tell me? i was waiting for hours, was it so hard to just leave a text? why have you been doing this so much lately? aren't we supposed to—"

"can you leave me alone? you're too loud" sicheng snaps, exhaustion deciding his actions. yuta looks shocked for a second, then he grits his teeth and grabs his phone and wallet from the coffee table.

"fine." yuta chokes out. sicheng is too pissed to care about how he sounds like he's going to cry. yuta puts on his shoes and leaves, and sicheng doesn't look back.

—

_the gift of communicating._

"can we please talk!?" yuta hisses and grips onto sicheng's shirt, pulling him back. sicheng grits his teeth but holds his tongue.

"what has gotten into you?" yuta starts. "why are you running away from me? you can't just... yell at me then ignore me for ages and come back and pretend nothing's wrong. i'm so confused and scared and just... i don't know. i'm sorry. just... could you ple—"

"can you please shut the fuck up?"

"what?"

sicheng snaps and all he can see is red. he's spitting his deepest, darkest, cruelest thoughts and yuta, fragile yuta that he promised to protect, is there to bear it all but he can't even think about that right now because he's acting on pure instinct and can't stop and _god why doesn't he have any fucking control?_

  
his grip on yuta's wrists only loosens when he winces and his eyes are filled with fear and tears. fuck. _shit._ what is he doing? he already hurt him a lot, far too much, but taking it physically? sicheng was crossing a line that should never be crossed. wait, _what the fuck,_ he shouldn't have crossed any lines in the first place. when did he start hurting yuta so badly? why did he only stop now? what the fuck? who was he? his mind is screaming at him and he's so overwhelmed and angry and disgusted with himself and he does the one thing he does best.

  
he runs away, ignoring yuta's shaky pleas for him to stay.

—

_the gift of waiting._

a loud ringing cuts through the heavy silence in sicheng’s bedroom for the nth time this week. he knows who it is, but he still checks his phone. yuta’s calling him again. his heart aches when he sees the messages, when he sees yuta drown in confusion, then sadness, then anger, then desperation, rinse, repeat. his heart breaks when he sees yuta staying up to message at ungodly hours, words jumbled from tears blurring his vision.

he doesn’t have it in him to block his number, so he just turns his phone off, reading then ignoring the hundreds of messages and missed calls just like every other time.

—

_the gift of waiting..._

slowly, the tide of messages and calls trickles to a small stream. sicheng feels bad, but at the same time not. yuta will do better without him, he knows it. sicheng’s just a mess anyway. he wanted to help, but ended up making things worse. yuta deserves better than him.

he tells himself this until he doesn’t feel the pain of being alone.

—

_the gift..._

sicheng stares at his phone screen. a single _why?_ stares back at him. his heart aches. yuta doesn’t ask for the pain to stop anymore. he doesn’t ask for things to be back the way they are. he just wants closure, and sicheng’s heart breaks when he realizes yuta isn’t even fighting for happiness anymore. the least he can do is give him what he wants.

so he does. he writes, and lets his mind do the talking. he’s prepared for the outburst that comes.

—

…

he’s not prepared, however, to run into yuta when he’s going to the convenience store for a late night snack. he sees him, grip tight on the rails of the bridge, knees trembling and tears falling. sicheng’s heart is in his throat and he can’t breathe and he runs as fast as he can, not even sparing a second to think because yuta is there and he might jump and he might not make it there in time to save him and _oh my god what the fuck has he done to yuta?_

sicheng only breathes again when yuta is in his arms, mildly confused but mostly unresponsive and sicheng just breaks and never lets go; his emotions burst out and his mind is reeling because he’s stupid, so _stupid,_ he could’ve fucking lost yuta over his stupid reasoning _what the fuck._ he hurt yuta, he promised himself he wouldn’t, what kind of monster is he? how much more selfish could he have been? he always thought too much, why why _why_ was this the one time he didn’t fucking do that? he shakes and sobs and holds on to yuta as tight as he can without hurting him further and _fuck_ _he hurt yuta_ and they’re on their feet, sicheng leading yuta to his apartment, and his bedroom and sicheng just crumbles at the sight of yuta physically safe and sound.

sicheng hugs him tight and cries himself to sleep.

—

_..._

sicheng wakes up to see himself alone in bed, and his heart jumps and there’s ringing in his ears and he stumbles out of bed and bolts into the hallway to see yuta curled up on the couch, movie still playing and sicheng just about sobs. those were the second most _terrifying_ five seconds of his life, after seeing yuta on that bridge, contemplating something he doesn't even want to imagine. he’s so, _so_ happy he gets another chance, even if he doesn’t deserve it because yuta sure as hell does.

he makes another promise to himself to do better, to be the best for yuta instead of searching for the best for him.

—

_..._

sicheng holds yuta’s hand under the table while they chat with the others in their dance team. he’s so relieved yuta still smiles and jokes around with the others, even when he’s more withdrawn at home. they talk about the upcoming contest, about their projects and exams and he's happy the team is close, because that means more people to help yuta if he opens up in the future. 

"ten!" taeyong waves him over and ten walks over with a stranger. sicheng briefly wonders if he's forgotten another one of ten's friends but then taeyong asks who it is and he's relieved he isn't that socially inept.

“oh, he’s my cousin. from germany." quite a few on the table perk up. they know a lot of people from other countries, heck, some of them are from other countries but they haven't gotten a german before. sicheng notices yuta's interest and smiles to himself. maybe he'll make another friend.

“hi, call me yangyang.” he looks a bit shy under the eyes of so many people _(sicheng understands wholeheartedly, taeyong is very intimidating at first glance)_ , but then gradually he opens up and cheerfully answers people's questions. they talk about the sights, the architecture, the language and he even shows them funny translations and how german sounds so weird sometimes.

yuta seems to fall back into steady conversation, and for the first time in forever, he looks relaxed and comfortable. sicheng's heart squeezes and he's proud.

—

_... gift._

“yuta, what’s that?” sicheng looks at the small package in yuta’s hands. yuta flushes a little and mumbles a response. sicheng has to strain his ears to hear him.

“it’s… a surprise for you…” yuta avoids eye contact and sicheng’s so, _so_ conflicted because yuta is still so kind and thoughtful even after sicheng hurt him so badly. it leaves such a bittersweet taste in his mouth, he’s in awe that yuta can still stand strong despite that but he’s so devastated that he, in his sane and sober mind, decided to hurt him in the first place. he wants to hold him close and give him the world, he wants to give yuta someone better, someone that isn’t him. but yuta chose him, mess that he is, and he can’t find it in himself to say no a second time.

pain can take forever to heal, but sicheng’s willing to stick around for forever.

—

_gift..._

"sicheng, look, i have a gift for you." yuta smiles and sicheng has to hold back tears because its 9pm, they're exhausted from practice and yuta has it in him to cook dinner and smile so brightly for the first time in forever. wordlessly he walks over and hugs him tightly, whispering gratitude to the wind for giving him his yuta back. he never thought they would get this far. things haven't been the same, they probably never will, but progress is progress and they can only get better from here.

"sicheng? are you okay? you're not hurt or anything, are you?" yuta asks and sicheng almost laughs from the irony of it all but he just shakes his head and pulls away, smiling at yuta. 

"i'm just really tired. thanks, yuta." sicheng gives a light kiss and sets the table for both of them. soon they've eaten and sicheng's eyelids are as heavy as his stomach and yuta urges him to wash up while he cleans. he plops onto his bed with a sigh.

his head hurts a little. he must’ve overworked himself earlier. 

—

_gift._

sicheng wakes up with a throbbing headache and yuta is quick to take his temperature and sure enough, he has a fever. sicheng groans and yuta pats him a little before going to the kitchen to make him a little something, a little gift he says. sicheng tries to sleep in the time he's alone.

"here, some soup. as a gift." yuta whispers when he enters the room, and sicheng just about cries because that's his favorite and yuta's the best ever and despite everything he's still here and caring for him, and _yes_ he's said this to himself for the nth time but he doesn't care because he can be proud of nakamoto yuta internally and externally, dammit. 

"go sleep, okay?" yuta gives him a light kiss, grabs his empty bowl and leaves sicheng alone. he really is the sweetest, his expression all filled with what sicheng thinks is worry and concern. sicheng is so ill he can't even see the world around him; he should've listened to taeyong. or his aching joints at least.

sicheng tries to sleep but it feels like his head is pounding even worse than before.

—

_GIFT._

it's been a few days, and his fever still hasn't let up. it really sucks because his head is throbbing and he can barely think. yuta's still going to him, day by day, to take care of him and give him affection. he really doesn't deserve yuta. 

"here, a gift." yuta is holding a pill, the same medicine he's been taking to ward off this fever. he has an unidentifiable glint in his eyes, but maybe it's just sicheng being too tired to even read into anything. maybe he just doesn't want to admit he's being pitied, despite the sadly pitiful state he's in. he simply struggles to sit up and takes the pill and the glass of water.

immediately, his throat is closing up, his lungs are burning and his head is throbbing, even more than he thought was possible. briefly, he registers that yuta didn't give him medicine, but all he can choke out is a sad _what?_

"you were suffering so much so i gave you a stronger one. i just... i don't know. im so scared you're going to hurt me again. im terrified, i don't know what to do. i... i can't... i don't know. im sorry. im sorry. i'm so... tired i don't know anymore. i feel so broken, i'm..." sicheng's brain can't even take anything in anymore. he doesn't know anymore. he's not even listening anymore but he musters the strength to crawl over and hug yuta for one last time, to show him it's okay. sicheng had it coming, really. he should've known better. things weren't going to be so easy, not when they're both fucked up. lips numb, he gives yuta a kiss before crumbling to the floor. he closes his eyes and drifts off to the sound of yuta's broken sobs and brief chuckles.

all he knows is that he never got to fulfill his promise to be the best for yuta.

—

gift [German]  
_/gift/_

1\. poison.

—

**Author's Note:**

> wew its done,, 
> 
> vocaloid seven deadly sins was my inspiration and the italics at the beginning of each segment is from yuta's perspective btw. have fun w that.
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/SH10NSHINE)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/SH10NSHINE)


End file.
